In this modern age of capitalism and “Black Fridays,” Christmas has become more and more driven by consumption. However, the reason why so many people gather together to celebrate during the winter solstice has been forgotten. Even those who claim to know the origin of the holiday get it wrong. But do not worry, fans of cartoons. Today we will tell you why we celebrate, despite all the pain people go through to prepare for the festivities. You will now know what Christmas is truly all about.
Many years ago, God sent a messenger to Earth. Her name was Saint Tail, and she took back what was stolen and returned it to the victims.
On the eve of the original Christmas, Saint Tail, on a mission from God, sent Lizard Santa out across the skies for the first time, giving presents to everyone. Conflict and misery ceased throughout the world as peoples’ hearts were warmed by this unprecedented act of generosity. Thereafter, everyone was inspired to keep the spirit of Lizard Santa alive by giving each other gifts each year. Lizard Santa was a kind, friendly lizard who treated people nicely and gave out gifts from the goodness of its three-chambered heart. However, over time the memory of Lizard Santa became tainted. You may have noticed that in recent years, Lizard Santa has been replaced by some fat bastard named Santa Claus. Santa Claus, a shill for the Coca Cola company, is a vile creature, known for exploiting reindeer and elves against their wills. He is also known to be extremely prejudiced—an advocate for Reindeer Eugenics—as he shuns not only reindeer who differ slightly from his strict racial standards, but also blacklists their parents for producing such offspring.
Santa’s atrocities do not end there. As tyrant of the North Pole, he banished an entire population of disfigured and disabled sentient toys to a tiny barren island of ice, where they could never find love or purpose. World animation scholars speculate that this maltreatment gave rise to the evil toy Kuruku, who brought much suffering to humanity (as chronicled in Unico in the Island of Magic). Here we see the tragic consequences of the so-called Saint Nick’s brutality even beyond his borders.
I say it’s time we bring back the holiday as it’s supposed to be, with Lizard Santa at its center. “Santa Claus” is a bad role model and a corrupt, miserable excuse for a holiday icon. Let’s bring back Christmas as God and his messenger Saint Tail intended it to be…a festive season for all, including lizards.